Interesting concept is the role of responsibility. For me, breaking free from BED has meant that I need to completely relax around food. But I am also fiercely aware of what certain food choices are having on my health. At some point I have to start taking responsibility for myself and my health but without restriction. I have to allow myself to eat in abundance and pay attention to my health. The challenge of course is going to be how to achieve this without the health aspect becoming intertwined with weight, and subsequently ensuring the bing eating is no longer triggered.

The biggest fuck up in my opinion is people associating health with weight…..well fucking done…..you’re ignorance has made it that little bit harder…..fuckwits!

Went out today and for the first time in a very long time, I recognised there wasn’t a raging beast in my belly. Today I again, planned to feed myself 4 times a day. 4 times in a day works for me and I eat relatively well. I eat what I want. This morning was incredibly challenging and I noticed how I needed more food. I was hungrier. I had ice cream for my mid-afternoon snack and I was fine with it. The best thing was that I didn’t eat eat 2 whole tubs, but an average portion. I ate a lovely roast at the pub and my sister ordered a dessert….I couldn’t believe it…I didn’t want any. I had a herbal tea. Today I ate like a normal person. Today there was no eating disorder talking…it almost tried, but I didn’t let it in.

There is one thing I know for certain, I will never be free from bingeing unless I stop weighing myself. The slightest restriction makes me binge….like a raging beast. There’s a beautiful freedom in this. Roll on tomorrow.

Watching Dietland at the moment and it and made me sad. To see my deepest feelings and societal values personified was difficult. It also made me realize how many years I lost. 13 years ago I started eating mindfully which actually caused a huge food obsession for me. I became obsessed with hunger and fullness in a quest to obtain a thinner body. The result was a raging hunger and loss of control – binge eating disorder and 70lbs of weight. My life was full of dieting before the onset of BED, but my weight was controlled….but the last 13 years in some ways have been a taste of prison. Loss of freedom and almost a loss of living.

Today was peaceful with food. I didn’t binge. I ate biscuits and I didn’t binge.